First Steps into the Shadows

Lessons and learning often come, when you least expect them. Naturally, for more often than not, they are connected to a part of yourself you have kept hidden very well, be it because you were afraid of shining your light or of looking into your own eyes reflecting a part of your soul you had seen in others and told yourself you would not find inside your own being.
 

Every darkness, every abyss holds a hidden seed of light. There is no night in which you cannot find a star to guide you. Look into your heart. It is there. Shine your light and be yourself. Be the unique and incredibly beautiful flower you are.

When I was still in the beginning stages of remembering aspects of mine, having them return and show themselves, I was on my way to my off-season strength training one summer day. I love walking and since our house is outside town it is about a thirty-minute walk to the fitness studio. Walking in silence is very healing and relaxing and I enjoy it. 
 
While I was walking, I was called. While I kept on walking, my surroundings changed and I found myself in Peru. I walked right into the middle of a circle of shamans, that were leading a healing ceremony for a man that was lying on a colorful woven carpet on the ground. They were wearing their ceremonial garments, while I was walking in in shorts, a sweaty T-shirt, worn sneakers and my training bag slung over my shoulder. I didn’t stop walking, but simply said “Hello”, turned myself into a white jaguar and went straight into the man on the ground. I guided him through his healing in the underworld, then we returned into the material realm. He went back into his body and I walked out of him, turned myself back into my human form, said “Have a nice day!” and left the gaping shamans behind. 
​

"White Jaguar", white pastels, Kristin Raphaela Otti (2023)

​I never stopped walking and seemingly seamlessly I was back on my way to the fitness studio. An ordinary day at the office, except for the fact that I had never shapeshifted into a white jaguar before, I had never been called that way and I had never guided anyone through a healing like that, meaning that I had solely been a guide, scout and guardian and not the one doing the talking. That it had felt perfectly normal and as if I had done that a million times before, didn’t even faze me anymore at that point.   

​A few days later I was called by the guardian spirits that were protecting the farm of a friend of my mother’s. She had told my mother and me, that there were dark spirits haunting the farm she and her sons had bought and they had had accidents happen that they could not explain. 

"White Jaguar Emerging", white pastels, Kristin Raphaela Otti (2024)

Her guardians told me, that they wanted me to scout for them and lead them to the parts of the premises, where I scented darkness. I was not to interfere. I had been summoned to scout, remember and learn. I turned myself into my white jaguar aspect and began to scout. Whenever I scented darkness, I called them. They went in and took care of business. 
 
It was a very interesting experience. I realized, that I was not afraid of any kind of darkness or dark being. I was a hunter on the prowl. And there was another thing: The night and the shadows were my friends. I was perfectly hidden, completely invisible. I wanted to go into the darkness, understand it and find the light hidden within. Not interfering and not walking in was the challenge. When we were done, I sat down on a bench in her garden. I had decided to keep watch over the premises for a while in case we had not found all the dark spirits. 
​  

I never stopped walking and seemingly seamlessly I was back on my way to the fitness studio. An ordinary day at the office, except for the fact that I had never shapeshifted into a white jaguar before.

The next morning, I texted the friend of my mother’s and told her, that her guardians had taken care of the dark spirits. She was enthusiastic and texted back, that she would go for a walk and take a look around. She called me about half an hour later and said: “I could see it! There was a white jaguar walking around and everywhere it went, there were explosions of light soon after! The jaguar is sitting on a bench in the garden now. But you know, there is something very strange about it. It is not sitting there like an ordinary cat would. It is sitting there like a statue, stiffly and at full attention!” 
 
Well, that is what you get, when you meet a jaguar that was born in Capricorn season. 
 
I love walking into my shadows. Part of being jaguar is learning how to walk in, become perfectly still, observe and not react immediately. See, what is there and understand, what is not there. 
 
Every darkness, every abyss holds a hidden seed of light. There is no night in which you cannot find a star to guide you. Look into your heart. It is there. Shine your light and be yourself. Be the unique and incredibly beautiful flower you are.