Heart of Winterfire

I was born early, some would say eager to come into this world, I would tell them otherwise. It could be that it simply was the smell of freshly brewed coffee that made me storm head over heels into being. My mother’s water broke when she was tending to the guests of the café my grandparents owned, the “Espresso”, and I have to admit that I do have an affinity for coffee – yes, it is an affinity, not an addiction. ​

​My life started with a challenge, not a problem, for any obstacle you face on your path is there to help you learn, grow and in the end blossom and bloom. It might not seem to be like that when you are in the thick of it, but every mountain you face, leads to a top with a gorgeous view. My Capricorn self would say, “Yes! And from that mountain top you can see the other mountains that are looming in the distance much clearer, so you know, where you have to head for your next challenge!” Capricorn does tend to not see the gorgeous view for all the mountains there are to climb. Like not seeing the forest for the trees. 
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Mixed Championship Finals (c) 2024 Austrian Finals

My affinity for coffee came mixed with the right amount of humor and it was and is very much needed, as challenges kept appearing and facing them became more and more exhausting until I reached a point where I lost myself.
 
Sometimes losing yourself is the only way to find the path to the light you carry within your heart. 
 
I play floorball, a game that is fairly new in terms of competitive sports. I am prehistoric in the game, in a literal sense. I started playing while I was studying in Stockholm, Sweden. At age 44 I am still playing in the Bundesliga, the highest league here in Austria. I started out as an attacker, a right wing, but after an injury to our goaltender about twenty years ago, I was asked if I were willing play in goal for one game and help the team out. When I asked our coach as to why he had asked me, he gave me an answer that left me staring at him open mouthed. “You are the only one willing to get hit by the ball while back-checking and defending our goal.” 
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Victory against Belgium (c) 2018 Sabine Weinrich

It had not been some hidden talent he had observed, but my willingness to take the pain while defending. I have played in goal ever since. It is the most demanding and challenging position, both physically and mentally. The best training I could ask for for the path I am walking now and life itself.
 
What most people do not know is, that shortly after winning our first large field championship here in Austria, I quit playing because of depression and my world completely falling apart. I did not play for more than ten years. During the time I got lost completely and because I could not protect myself, I ate a lot and by eating I created a protective layer around me. I went up in weight until I weighed more than 200 kgs. I am neither exaggerating nor joking. In 2016 I got sick and in 2017 I fought a second battle for health, lasting eight months. 
 
During that time, I was called onto a journey and during that journey I was given a choice between two paths. I chose life. I simply changed everything. It took me eight months to get into playing shape again. How I went down in weight? First I stopped eating carbohydrates, then I started to fast. Fasting healed my mind, my body and my soul. ​

The great part about carrying so much weight is, that you automatically do strength training with every step, so I was taken by surprise, when I went to the gym again and realized how strong I had become.
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(c) 2024 Tim Dornaus

I am not special. I am no different than anybody else out there. I am not bigger, I am not smaller. A teammate asked me, “How the hell did you do that?!” Her question puzzled me. I just did it.

I had not played for more than ten years. I gave my comeback in the Bundesliga at age 37. At age 38 I gave my comeback for our national team, playing against France and Belgium. At age 44 my team won the Austrian Mixed Championships, men and women playing together, winning together, and I played two of those matches in goal. I have not officially retired yet, I have too much fun playing and the part I like most is being there for the younger players, especially of course, the goalies. ​

Yes, that is indeed me. I am not the one with the short white hair, that is my grandmother.

Up until now, I have hardly spoken about it. I told my story whenever I felt it was needed: to encourage a teammate or another floorball player coming back from an injury or dealing with depression, people I am walking with or to those who simply needed to hear that no matter what darkness you are in, it is your story to write and you are able to make the impossible possible.

​Yes, you. The pen and the feather are in your hands. You are the author of your story.
 
I am not special. I am no different than anybody else out there. I am not bigger, I am not smaller. A teammate asked me, “How the hell did you do that?!” Her question puzzled me. I just did it, the fire in my heart lighting the path through the darkness: Hope. 
 
I call hope winterfire, the one fire that cannot be extinguished, no matter how deep the winter, how deep the darkness is. It is the tiny ember, the spark, that can be found in every being, every stone, plant, tree, speck of dust, that bursts into full flame, when spring is coming. 
 
Every journey starts with the first step.
 
Dare to dream.
 
Dare to tell your story.
 
Dare to inspire.
 
You are winterfire. Nothing is impossible.

That is me in 2021. The picture was taken during a team practice.